Regret is never a good thing.
People say that we have to learn from our mistakes in order not to repeat them…
but it’s not the same thing as regret. I know that regret is
counterproductive and is not good for me as I try to deal with my life as it is
but sometimes there is a moment, usually caused by a sound, smell or well...
too much time on your hands. This past week, since I have been confined
to bed, those stray thoughts have gone from a trickle to a flood.
Normally, I would try to shrug them off but, tonight those thoughts have been
hard to get rid of. In fact, to tell the truth, those thoughts have been
hard to get rid of for the past week or two.
I think about what my hopes were for my old life; a husband, a family of my own, holidays spent with family and friends, a stellar career, a home of my own etc . . . and I look at what I actually have: not one but two ex-husbands, no children except for a 6 year old rat terrier, no career, always feeling like a fifth wheel.. Part of my pain management program entails learning how to let go of your past; basically grieve over the losses caused by your disease and then moving on. I haven't done that. I haven't given up on finding someone who loves me and who I love. I haven't given up on having my own family (and by that I mean there is always a chance that the someone I love could have children and I would have the opportunity to share in their lives as a stepmother or getting really realistic a grandmother to his children's children).
Career?? Every time I see something happen that I would have responded to as a Crosser… it hurts. A great example is what happened when the stage collapsed at the Indianapolis State Fair. I wanted to be there so badly. I knew exactly what steps were taking place and where. It made it a little worse because in my tenure with the Red Cross in Indianapolis I actually worked the State Fair, had walked the area where that particular stage was and knew who was probably assigned to that particular area. I keep searching the TV and internet on anything having to do with the disaster so that I could possibly glimpse any of the people I worked with. I want to be there, helping...doing what I used to do and frankly what I felt was my calling. The Red Cross was not just a job to me; it was my career and I was successful at it. I miss that.
I tend to relive that moment in time (4:15 pm November 12, 1999) when my life changed. I struggle to keep it all in perspective but those times, the dark times, when regret is all I see around me it’s hard to function. It’s hard to do anything but sink deeper and deeper into feelings of failure, despair and depression. The one thing I do know is that my life changed forever on that day and there is nothing I can do about that but keep on trying to forge a new life... one where I have CRPS and pain and, hopefully one day soon, acceptance.
I think about what my hopes were for my old life; a husband, a family of my own, holidays spent with family and friends, a stellar career, a home of my own etc . . . and I look at what I actually have: not one but two ex-husbands, no children except for a 6 year old rat terrier, no career, always feeling like a fifth wheel.. Part of my pain management program entails learning how to let go of your past; basically grieve over the losses caused by your disease and then moving on. I haven't done that. I haven't given up on finding someone who loves me and who I love. I haven't given up on having my own family (and by that I mean there is always a chance that the someone I love could have children and I would have the opportunity to share in their lives as a stepmother or getting really realistic a grandmother to his children's children).
Career?? Every time I see something happen that I would have responded to as a Crosser… it hurts. A great example is what happened when the stage collapsed at the Indianapolis State Fair. I wanted to be there so badly. I knew exactly what steps were taking place and where. It made it a little worse because in my tenure with the Red Cross in Indianapolis I actually worked the State Fair, had walked the area where that particular stage was and knew who was probably assigned to that particular area. I keep searching the TV and internet on anything having to do with the disaster so that I could possibly glimpse any of the people I worked with. I want to be there, helping...doing what I used to do and frankly what I felt was my calling. The Red Cross was not just a job to me; it was my career and I was successful at it. I miss that.
I tend to relive that moment in time (4:15 pm November 12, 1999) when my life changed. I struggle to keep it all in perspective but those times, the dark times, when regret is all I see around me it’s hard to function. It’s hard to do anything but sink deeper and deeper into feelings of failure, despair and depression. The one thing I do know is that my life changed forever on that day and there is nothing I can do about that but keep on trying to forge a new life... one where I have CRPS and pain and, hopefully one day soon, acceptance.
Ditto!!!
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